


BWU

by queertwinquin



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: F/F, quincest, quinlove
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2018-12-12 07:39:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11732550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queertwinquin/pseuds/queertwinquin
Summary: It has been three years since the twins retired from the music business. It was not a break up between the two; they just thought that it’s time to welcome other chapters of their lives, individually. However, when Tegan and Sara finalized the idea of retiring, Tegan never thought that it was going to lead her to her worst heartbreak.





	1. 1998 Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, guys! This is the first fic I've ever written, so let me know what you guys think. :)

_Three years have passed since Tegan and Sara decided that they should retire from the career they’ve spent their whole lives on. Making music will always be their true love and singing these masterpieces together will forever be etched on the twins’ memories. Retiring from the band was undoubtedly the hardest decision the two have made together, but both decided that they wanted to welcome other chapters of their lives, individually._

 

* * *

 

 

 _Sara did not lie when she said that she wanted to open another chapter of her life without me_ , Tegan thought as she opened the golden envelope with two S’s scribbled on top of each other. It was a couple of months ago yet the memory still lingered fresh. It was like opening a death note for Tegan. She was happy for Sara and Stacy. She was happy for her twin. Or maybe she’s just convincing herself that she is. Tegan remembered all the songs, lines, and melodies she had written and hummed for Sara. Each contained a heart confessing its true and purest form.

 

I'm quite sure we'll find one another

In a place better than this

A time filled with us

 

Those were the first lines Tegan wrote in her old notebook which she received as a birthday present from their Grandpa. Sara has a similar one, but Tegan doubts that the contents of the pages were the same ones as her. Because handwritten on those sheets was her admission to herself that she was, in fact, in love with her twin sister. She was disgusted at herself at first, but what is so disgusting about a love so real? One song led to another until it had become a habit of the older twin to write a song for the younger for each of their album.

 

She told me love will come once in your life

So I guess when you find it

You're gonna hold it right

    

Tegan reminisced when Sara told her that line. “Love will come once in your life”. Tegan can never forget that day. She was supposed to tell Sara her feelings, but chickened out the last minute ergo she ended up telling Sara that she’s in love with some girl. Luckily, Sara didn’t seem too interested, so Tegan never had to lie about the details. If only the younger sibling knew that Tegan had found the kind of love she was talking about. If only she knew how much Tegan wanted to hold her right. To hold her tight. If only she knew she was that person.

 

I saw my first angel

And it was you

 

Writing a song about becoming a superstar and yet here she is, writing a line for her twin. “Whatever”, Tegan thought. She would not even be here if not for Sara. She at least deserves a line in that song, right?

 

What I wanted most, what I wanted most, what I wanted most

Was to get myself all figured out

Cause this love is all I have to give

This love is all I have to give

 

_Oh, Sara. I still haven’t figured it out. But all this love, I’m ready to give to you._

 

Even until their last album together, Tegan made sure to include her love for her sibling in each song she had written. When they were finalizing the details of LP8, Tegan wanted to suggest “MY LOVE SONGS FOR SARA QUIN” as the album title, but she thought that it might be too revealing. And so, she suggested “Love You To Death”, a line from one of the songs which did not make the album. It was Tegan’s way of telling Sara “Till death do us part”. Unfortunately, marriage is not possible for a pair of identical twins.   

 

Oh, right. Marriage. Wedding.

 

Today, those love song melodies and open-hearted confessions are about to be buried in the past. Now, there’s no way that Tegan could tell Sara what she’s been feeling from the very start. She never had the chance to admit her deep affection. But who is she kidding? She had lots and lots of chances—she just never had the guts to do it. She can’t lose her twin. She would never risk it. However, she never had a hint of regret in hiding this pure love—until this very second.

 

Tegan was standing right outside Sara’s five-star hotel room. She honestly didn’t want to see Sara before the wedding. She wouldn’t even dare check on her twin. No, they did not have a fight, they were actually in good terms, but Tegan just couldn’t possibly imagine the pain wanting to explode inside her that day.

 

And yet here she is.

 

Sara’s door was open and Tegan could completely see her gorgeous face outside. Nothing hurts more than to see the love of your life prepare for her own wedding. Tegan was staring at Sara in awe. _She looked so damn good_. At that moment, Tegan wanted to hug and confess and beg and run away with Sara. Run as far and as fast as they could where their love could finally be accepted. But wait, would Sara want that?

 

“Tegan?” A familiar voice said.

Tegan looked beside her and there she saw the other bride. Her true love’s bride.

“Stacy, hello.” Tegan genuinely smiled.

“Why don’t you come in and say hello to Sara? I bet she’s been waiting for you. Talk to her, Tegan. Maybe there are things you two should figure out and settle.”

          

Tegan narrowed her eyes at Stacy’s statement, but still did what she was asked to do. She is one of the brides’ twin after all. She should at least congratulate her.

 

She entered the room and the first thing she thought of was that scent that she missed so much. It all came back to her. All the love that she wanted to proclaim since the day she felt it for her twin. All the times she wanted to tell everyone she knows, that every little love song she had written, she wrote for the girl standing next to her. All those times that she cringed so hard whenever people in the press introduced them as lesbian twin sisters, because she dreamed every single day of her life that one day the name “Tegan and Sara” would be seen as a couple’s name who’s very much in love with each other. But now, it’s all too late.

 

She stood there like she’s ready to be kicked on the stomach. Reality hitting her hard. She felt like every joint in her body is telling her to run. She wanted to run. But at some point, her body could not move. Not even an inch. It’s like the world is telling her that she needs this. That she should be here. She wanted so badly to cry, but she couldn’t do that in front of the reason for her pain.

 

Sara was in the bathroom when Tegan entered and when she went out, she was shocked to see the familiar figure in front of her. She just stood there like she saw a ghost. Everything was silent. They stared at each other’s eyes for a few moments. Eyes getting all the more misty at every passing second. Tegan was confused to see such emotion in Sara. Why does it look like she was in pain as well? Is this another twin thing bullshit? The younger sibling was the one who broke the staring competition. She sent a sad smile to Tegan then turned her back for a moment to let a tear fall. Tegan was so addled and about to speak some lies about her being excited for Sara but the younger sister talked first.

 

“This is one of those moments when I wish those twin telepathy things are true”. They both smiled lightly at the memory of the numerous twin telepathy interview questions. Right after, their eyes connected once more. A couple of quiet seconds were shared when tears started to be collected once again. The staring competition was longer this time and it was getting harder and harder for them to breathe. The heavy emotions filled the room but neither of them wanted to run now. No matter how suffocating it felt, it felt right. The silent minute that was killing them felt like hours, but neither wanted this to end.

 

After all those years, this is the one thing that Tegan wanted to feel from Sara. No, Sara did not need to say a word. Tegan does not even care what the stare and tears meant. It just felt so fucking right at this moment.

 

“In another lifetime, Tee.” Sara whispered. “It will be us.” Then one by one, tears started to fall out of Sara’s eyes.

 

Tegan just stood there, tears spilling out, feeling all emotions at once. She was so fucking confused, mad, hurt, pleased, satisfied, enraged. She didn’t know what to feel. Tegan’s head was pounding; _Why now, Sara? After all these years, WHY NOW?!_

 

She ran out of the room even before Sara could say another word.

 

Stacy was outside the room, waiting. _Fucking great. Where should I go now?_ Tegan thought. _Should I run? Should I just cry and tell Stacy that her soon-to-be-bride basically just told me that she loves me? What the fuck do I do now? In another fucking lifetime? WHAT. THE. FUCK.?_

 

“Tegan!” Stacy sent her back to this painful reality. Tegan paused and heaved a sigh whilst thinking to herself, _Seriously, how do I deal with this?_

**SARA’s** **POV** :

I’ve just confessed my love for Tegan in just one line? Fucking great, Sara. You’ve been in love with your twin sister for more than half of your fucking life and that’s how you tell her? An hour before your fucking wedding?

I walked towards my backpack and grabbed the leather notebook which had an engraved 1998 in the cover. It was Grandpa’s birthday gift to me when Tegan and I turned eighteen. The old sheets of this notebook held the darkest of secrets that is my love for my twin. I sobbed and laughed at the same time once I opened the first page and saw the hurriedly written “Love Songs for TRQ”. How pathetic, Sara. I started to check the other pages, being reminded of the times I found solace in this object.  

 

 **TEGAN’s** **POV** :

“It will always be you, Tegan. It has been you from the very beginning and it will always be you until the end.” Stacy told her without even flinching.

“How can you say this so casually before your wedding?” Tegan retorted.

“Because that’s the truth. I’ve known the truth from the start. And I’ve already accepted that fact years ago. You’re her true love, Tegan. But it cannot be. Not in this lifetime.”

 

 **SARA’s** **POV** :

I stroked my index finger to a handwritten “HEAVY” and started to reminisce the first time I felt my heart beat for my twin.

 

And you're heavy in my heart

You're heavy in my hands

You're heavy in my mouth

You're heavy in my day

You're heavy in my songs

You're heavy in light

And you're all that I want

 

“Love will come once in your life” was written at the bottom part of one of the pages. It was the time that I wanted to confess my love to Tegan. I wrote this because I wanted to start my speech with this line. Pathetic, I know. I remember practicing all day and all night about the right words to say. When it was time to tell her everything, she told me she also needed to say something and that she’s in love with someone else. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday, that painful stab straight into my heart. I didn’t even get the chance to say what I wanted to tell her. Well, actually, I did. Cause I fucking spat those seven words to her. It was supposed to be the start of a cheesy and romantic declaration of love, but clearly, that did not happen. I just told her that line because I was so confident that no matter what happens, no other person would love Tegan as much as I do.

 

Half an hour has passed, and I’m still in memory lane. Remembering all the moments when Tegan and I were about to blow our birthday candles, me wishing that the girl I’m sharing my birthday with can become mine. Unfortunately, that wish never came true.

 

You and I were born

And to my heart confusion rose against

The muscles fought so long

To control against the pull of

One magnet to another

 

Tears were still slipping out of my eyes when knocks were heard against my door.

 

“Sara?” It was the all too familiar voice of my one and only true love. Instantly sending my nerves in a maelstrom. My mind is debating on what to tell her once I open the door. Do I tell her straightforwardly that I love her? Should I just hug her? Kiss her? Hold her hand and just run away?

 

But before I could even decide on what to do and what to say, she already ended what was yet to begin.  

 

“Wedding is about to start.”


	2. The White Wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this one took so long! Life became pretty demanding after I published the first chapter. 
> 
> I hope you guys would like this one as well. :)

**SARA’s POV:**

I know. I know. I said that I didn’t want a white wedding. I know that I’m such a hypocrite for singing that song for years and yet here I am, kissing my bride in a fucking garden. It’s so weird to think that the vow I’ve prepared a week ago was not even meant for the person beside me. It was meant for – yeah, you’ve guessed it right, my sister. I don’t know what got into me, to be honest. I don’t know why I nodded when Stacy suggested that we should get married. Maybe because I was so tired of her bringing that topic every single night since her college best friend did just two months ago. Maybe because I didn’t want to grow up alone. Maybe because I wanted people to know that somehow, someone loves me. Or maybe because there’s this fear inside me that I might take my last breath without someone by my side.

 

Getting married was way out of my plans since I realized that Tegan and I could never have one. Other than the fact that incest is illegal, Tegan had shown strong opposition to such idea. That’s why I wrote BWU. I wrote it for _her_. I didn’t want a white fucking wedding because I didn’t need one to prove my love. BWU was my love letter for Tegan. And it got really frustrating that Stacy wanted a fucking extravagant occasion to make sure I wouldn’t leave her. But then again, I couldn’t blame her. Maybe she’s just afraid as I am.

 

“She said she didn’t want a white wedding yet here we are” Tegan’s voice brought me back to reality. Of all the people who could give a speech in this reception, it would be her? Of course, of course. What a slap in my face.

 

**TEGAN’s POV:**

“She said she didn’t want a white wedding yet here we are” The audience laughed and I joined them. _Oh, God. This was much harder than I thought it would be. HOW DO I FAKE THIS?_

 

“Sara always said that our music, our band... and our bond” I forced to show a gummy smile to let them know of the little joke I made. “Always felt like a marriage.” _I hope they don’t hear the bitterness in my voice._ I licked my lips, swallowed hard, then continued. “But I guess we got divorced when we retired from the music business...” The audience laughed once again. I could even see our mom shaking her head sideways while giggling. “But in all seriousness.. I’m so proud of you, Sare, for going out of your comfort zone. I know you have never considered nor thought about marriage until you met Stacy. And that just proves how much you love her.” _FUCK THAT HURT A LOT TO SAY._ “And I know she loves you as much.” _I’m gonna vomit._ “And to you, Stacy, fuck you. She’s in love with me. Not you. Stop pushing yourself to her. She wants me. NOT YOU.” _No, wait. What the. Subconscious, shut the fuck up._ “And to you Stacy, please take care of her. She really means a lot to me. We’ve been together for almost 40 years of our lives and I...” _WHAT ARE YOU DOING TEGAN? THIS IS NOT THE TIME AND PLACE TO CONFESS, YOU IDIOT._ “Well, she’s.. She’s my little sister.” _And apparently, my true love as well._ I heared people’s awws and I paused. My mind debating if I should tell her what I really wanted to say. “And I will always love my little Sasa.” _SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH TEGAN FOR GOD'S SAKE._ “Please love her more than you have loved anybody else.” _Because I do._ My voice cracked, and now I could feel the guests staring at me; my anxiousness creeping its way out. _I need to end this now. NOW._ “So best wishes to the both of you. And please don’t try to kill each other. Cheers!” I flashed another smile and the audience applauded to what they thought was an entertaining speech from one of the brides’ twin. _But seriously though, did anyone not hear the bitterness seeping out of every word that I just said?_

 

**SARA’s POV:**

They asked for a kiss after Tegan’s speech which was followed by Stacy and I’s first dance as a married couple. Looking at Stacy, it really does make me happy that my love has been reciprocated. Even though it was reciprocated too much. I love Stacy. I love.. my wife. But, it could never be like what I feel for Tegan. Is it because we’re twins? Is it because we spent 7 months inside the womb? Is it because of the 200 plus days we spent with each other every year for almost half of our lives? I love Stacy, but I’d lie if I told myself that I love her more than my sister.

 

\--

 

“Hello, my ladies. Can I interrupt you guys for a moment and ask for a dance with my ex-wife?”

“Oh, God. Emy, could you be more awkward?” Sara replied while jokingly rolling her eyes.

“Just make sure to let her go, alright? She’s mine now.” Stacy winked at her close friend, her wife’s ex-wife.

“We’ll see.” Emy sent a smug to Stacy while gently grabbing Sara’s hand.

 

The two ex-lovers stared at each other. There was no ounce of pain in their eyes. They have moved on. Both are in separate relationships and have been best friends since their failed marriage. They have a deeper understanding now after everything that happened and Sara was more than grateful that they got out of that painful situation.

 

“How are you? Are you happy?”

“Yes, Emy. I’m fine.” Sara smiled sweetly to her ex-lover.

“Fine? That’s not how a bride should describe her wedding day.”

“All of us are happy. It’s perfect. Thanks for helping out with all the preparations.” If Sara were to pretend she’s okay, it should absolutely not be in front of Emy.

“All? All except one of the brides, obviously.” Emy sighed. Thinking whether to ask Sara the question bothering her since the ceremony started. “Did you talk to her?”

“I did.” Sara replied hastily. Emy knows her dirty little secret. It wasn’t the reason their marriage ended, but it was a part of it. She felt as if she could never have Sara entirely; as if she had to share Sara with someone or something she doesn’t know. When Emy found out the truth, which was a year after their divorce, it didn’t hurt her. It actually relieved her. Yes, she loved Sara. But their wedding wasn’t done out of love. It was mostly done out of desperation. She’s just pleased to know that the person she’s sharing Sara’s heart with before was with Tegan. Yes, it was a bit strange at first, but it wasn’t a hundred percent surprising especially given how tight the twins’ relationship is.

“And?”

“And.. She ran. I didn't hear anything from her until she knocked to tell me the ceremony’s about to begin. When I opened the door, she wasn’t there anymore. She doesn’t even want to talk to me, Emy. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know why I’m this confused. I don’t know why I confessed to her minutes before my wedding.” Sara sighed deeply. “I love Stacy.” Sara rolled her eyes. Mostly to herself. That sounded more like she was convincing herself, more than declaring the statement.

“Yes. I know. But you love Tegan more. And you know that. You feel that.”

 

**TEGAN’s POV:**

I went to the restroom once I finished the speech. I needed time to breathe some fresh air. I heard the audience asking for the newlywed’s first dance and I already left before they could even start. Once I was done, I went to the other side of the garden where there was less number of people. I smiled and waved to some familiar faces until I reached the part where you could only see the scenery of the whole place. It was a smart move for my sister and her lover to pull this kind of wedding. It felt so sweet and real. It felt sincere. I breathed deeply, calming my nerves, while trying to focus on the positive things; the beautiful things. I tried to imagine what it would be like if Sara and I weren’t twins. Yes, maybe we could be the ones getting married right now, but if you think of it thoroughly, there’s actually no guarantee that we’d even meet. Fate is a real thing and I don’t know if it’s on my side or not. For now, it’s not. And it fucking sucks.

 

“Tegan.” I turned to my side and saw Stacy as she interrupted my peaceful alone time for the second time today.

“Stacy, congratulations!” I pulled her into a hug. A genuine hug. Stacy is still my friend and I’m glad that she came to our lives. No matter how much it hurt me to admit it, she made Sara happy and I owe her that. She never treated Sara badly and that’s one of the reasons why I couldn’t just hurt her.

“Thank you.” She said while pulling out of the hug. “Are you enjoying everything?”

“Yeah. I do. I just needed some air for a while.”

“Why so? Are there too many guests or is it bec-“

“No. No, Stacy. It’s just that I’m not used to this anymore. You know.. the speech. It felt different. I guess I just missed the attention.” I laughed after saying such. _I hope the lie works._

“Same old Tegan.” Stacy giggled. _It did._ Stacy paused after her comment, then continued. “I love her so much.”

“I know. And I’m happy that everything turned out well. Make sure you take care of her, alright?”

“I will, Tee.”

“Welcome to the family, Stace. Well, officially.” I winked.

“Tegan? About a while ago”

“Stacy.” I cut her off before she could even begin discussing the painful truth. “Don’t worry about it. I don’t feel the same way. She’s my sister. Just my sister.”

“I hope nothing would change between you two. She’d really feel terrible if that happens.”

“Of course nothing would change, Stace. I was just really shocked a while ago. But now, it’s all good. You don’t have to worry about anything. You just got married. You should be happy. Don’t let doubts take over this special moment, ‘kay?”

“Thank you, Tee. Thank you.” This time, it was Stacy who hugged me.

“You’re always welcome, Stace. I’m your sister-in-law now, remember? I will always have your back.” I tightened the hug to let her know that I was sincere.

 

When we returned to the busy part of the garden, I saw Emy walking towards me.

 

“TEEEEEE!” It’s the first time that Emy and I had the chance to talk today. It was such a busy day and I couldn't wait for it to be over.

“Em! What’s up? WOW. You look really good.” I eyed her up and down. She really looks amazing. It’s a bummer that Sara let go of her.

“I’m good. Great, actually… What the fuck, dude. Stop checking me out! I have a girlfriend already. Jeez.” She held her two hands in front of her chest.

“Fuck you.” I said while rolling my eyes. “I missed you, Em”

“I missed you too, TeeTee.” We hugged quickly afterward.

“But wait,” Emy said while pulling out of the hug. “I haven’t seen you and Sara together yet. I mean I haven’t seen you guys interact except for that fucking entertaining speech you did. Are you guys okay?”

“Yeah. We are. Uh. It’s just that I want to give her some time with her other guests. We’ve already spent lots of times together before. I’m pretty sure she wants to vomit each time she sees me.”

“I don’t think so.” Emy whispered.

“What?”

“What. Oh. Nothing. I mean you guys gotta dance or other people might notice it. Plus, it’d be cute!”

I laugh at Emy’s enthusiasm and just nodded. I don’t want to create more drama. It’s best if we just do it and get it over with.

 

**SARA’s POV:**

I saw Emy and Tegan approaching me and I swear my hands were sweating so bad. I think I’m gonna vomit any minute now. _Really now, Sara? You just got married and you’re already sweating your ass off because of another woman?_

“Okay. So I noticed that you guys haven’t interacted since the ceremony started and I’m afraid it would be in the headlines tomorrow 'LESBIAN TWIN SISTERS TEGAN AND SARA MAD AT EACH OTHER. COULD TEGAN QUIN BE JEALOUS OF HER NEWLYWED SISTER? FIND OUT IN PAGE SIX!'"

Both Tegan and I raised our eyebrows to what Emy just stated.

“Ugh. You guys. You get what I mean. Just fucking dance already! I wanna take a photo.”

With that, Tegan held her right hand in front of me.

“May I have a dance with.. you?” I giggled at her gesture. Tegan asked it like she was the most awkward dork ever.

“Of course, Tee.” I smiled like an idiot. I knew it, but I couldn’t care less.

And with that, we held hands.

 _A spark. Yes. That was definitely a spark._ We looked at each other’s eyes immediately. _Did she feel it too? Of course, she did._ _She’s sweating like an idiot. She felt it too. She must have. She should have._

“Okay, guys. Pose for me! ONE. TWO. SAY LESBIAN TWIIIINS!”

Both Tegan and I smiled widely for the camera. I’m pretty much sure that we looked like THE married couple. My hands were resting on her shoulders and hers were resting on my waist.

“God, you guys are so cute! Now, stop being so fucking awkward and dance!” And with that, Emy left us; sending me a glaring look while she walked away.

 

A couple of seconds have passed and I just realized that Tegan and I were just swaying.

 

“Hey..” I tried to sound enthusiastic, but obviously failing. We’re still in the same position, and I’m so anxious about what may happen. It felt like a high school love story a while ago, but now it just felt like a love story ending.

“Sare.”

“Are you mad?”

“No. Why would I be? I’m so happy for you.”

“I love you, Tegan.”

“I love you too, Sasa.” Tegan smiled at me, but mine was different. It was big. Bigger than what I showed a while ago when they declared that I’m finally married to Stacy.

“Are you excited? You’re married once again.” She decided to continue to make the conversation less tensed, but the statement just cut off the grin that I was showing. _She’s fucking pretending that she doesn’t know anything. Fucking shit. I hate this already. I’ve been pretending from the start. Now, I just want to declare everything in front of her._

“No, Tegan. I love you. I love you as in –“

“As your sister. As your twin. I get you, Sare. In another lifetime, our music career wouldn’t have ended. It would be us. Together. In the stage. I know what you mean and don’t worry, I didn’t misunderstand nor put any meaning to it.”

I looked at her. With disbelief in my eye, I just nodded. I don’t want us to fight. If I couldn’t have her, then the only thing I could do was to not fuck up my sibling relationship with her. I held onto her afterward. And suddenly I felt her hugging me back.

 

**TEGAN’s POV:**

I hugged her back while we were dancing. My mind debated whether to do it or not, but I don’t think people would put any meaning to it, so I did. I felt Sara hugging me tighter and I felt my knees getting weak. This was the first hug we shared wherein I know that my love was being reciprocated. However, in this world, things are confusing. Things don’t always go the way we wanted it to. I love her. So damn much. But like what she said, maybe in another lifetime, it would be us. That’s the only hope I’m trying grasp on now. There are so many reasons why we should be together, but there’s this one thing that’s holding us back: We’re twins. We’re fucking related. And I think that’s enough to end the relationship I want to start with her.

 

Sara pulled out of the hug after a couple of minutes and she caught my damp eyes.

 

“What’s wrong, Tee?” She stared into my eyes, and I felt mine getting wetter by the second.

“I love you,” I told her. _I wanted to continue telling her how much I love her, but I must pretend, yet again._ “And I’m happy to know someone else loves you more than I do. Don’t worry, Sare. These are happy tears.” I forced a gummy smile for her.

“I love you too, Tegan.” _It felt so good to hear that from her._  "Twiiiiiiiiiins forever, right?”

“Twins forever.” I say. _Circles. All we do is run in circles, but this is the right thing to do._ I sigh.  _Two can play this painful game._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Next chapter would be less sad, I promise!


End file.
